#every time i work up the courage to finally tell some counselor or medical professional about potentially starting hrt

[itsadragonaesthetic]

One of the most annoying things is when you spend all this time hyping yourself up to do the nerve-wracking yet easy thing and then when you finally do it, nobody answers the phone, nobody is willing to help, they don't know what you're talking about, or otherwise it turns out the task is 100x more complicated and challenging than you expected it to be.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Dropping by Camp Constellation

What better way to spend Friendsgiving than with the Camp Constellation fam? We’re here with Amanda, Mira, Quentin, Laura - and loads more! Amanda and I have been planning this event since last year and I have to say, we did a pretty good job! 

Since catching up with Amanda, I got to know the Camp Constellation crew and their stories. They’re such great people and I feel inspired when I’m with them. 

It’s a bit strange not seeing the camp bustling with activity - almost like it’s a different place. Not that I never noticed it before, but the scenery is breathtaking - like in a way that it feels like you’ve stepped into another world. From the crimson mountains to the towering trees, the distant shore with its glimmering sands and crystal clear water - it almost feels too good to be true. Wildflowers poking trough blades of green grass, a flowing creek gently rushing by, rolling hills to run freely on, and various trails and signs scattered throughout the woods to guide you.   

A place to escape your worries. A place where for a short time you can let go and forget your troubles. A safe haven you can turn to when life gets too much for you to handle.   

That’s why Mira fell in love with this place. And that’s one of many reasons why she’s dedicated her life to this foundation and to helping kids with chronic and/or terminal illnesses.   

When she was sixteen, Mira Tamboli was on the waiting list for a heart transplant. Up until then her future was looking bright as she was a star athlete aiming for a scholarship as well as a professional career. But then she caught a cold, which turned out to be a virus that severely weakened her heart. In months Mira went from active and energetic to bedridden and barely hanging on. As her health worsened, doctors decided that she would be a candidate for a heart transplant. 

Shortly after being told that she’d be on the list, Mira received a letter from Falling Star. With nothing much to do other than wait, Mira spent her waking hours thinking about Lacey Travino and the foundation. That curiosity was what helped give her the courage to hang on and have hope that her future will brighten.   

At the time Falling Star was just starting out so Mira was one of the earliest recipients. Camp Constellation wouldn’t come until a few years later. Mira read the letter so many times that she memorized it by heart. Then she reached out to Amanda on the foundation’s website as she had a lot of questions - like what kind of a person Lacey was, why she was chosen, and what should she do with the $100,000 check.   

Touched by Mira’s email, Amanda responded with thoughtful answers and well wishes. Then the two began exchanging more messages, with Mira expressing her frustration while holding out hope and Amanda providing support and telling stories of her friendship with Lacey. 

Weeks after being told she was put on the list, Mira’s family got a call from the hospital. Mira distinctly remembers lying the back of the car with an oxygen mask while her mother sped through the highway. Next thing she knew, she was being rushed into surgery.   

Hours later she woke up with a new heart. Despite a few complications Mira pulled through and was released from the hospital. After being bedridden for so long, she looked forward to physical therapy, where she heard about an event called the Run Towards a Better Future - a big Olympic-like event for teens and adults with chronic illnesses and disabilities. Although her doctor and PT gave their approval for her to participate in a marathon, her parents were hesitant. It took some convincing and working out put her parents decided to let Mira use her check to pay for expenses for the trip to participate in the event.   

So Mira trained for the marathon and made the front page of various articles. Her wit and determination made her a favorite among the trainers and since then she has participated every year. 

Two years later, Amanda reached out to Mira, asking her if she wanted to be a counselor for a new camp she was setting up. Mira enthusiastically accepted and the two finally meet in person for the first time. As soon as she stepped into the camp, Mira fell in love with the scenery, and after becoming close friends with the girls in her cabin, she wanted to dedicate her life to helping kids like herself and her friends. 

After graduating high school, Mira went on to pursue a career in physical therapy.  When she completed her studies, she moved to Peace Coast Island where she works at a clinic and at the camp. Along with being one of the camp’s medical staff, Mira’s also a coach, mentor, and activity coordinator - as well as Amanda’s right hand woman. 

Amanda and Mira are definitely proof that heroes exist and that with kindness and compassion, you can indeed save lives.

[girlsinthestars]

guilt isn’t always an emotional response

Pairing: Data/Geordi La Forge

Word count: 2480

Summary/Warnings: Post ‘Descent’ angst with an undercurrent of miscommunication - ends happily

Read on AO3

Geordi hadn’t seen Data since he stopped him from destroying the emotion chip. Every time he tried to talk to Data, he gave an excuse and left, he tried to arrange dates but every time Data claimed he was busy, Data’s shifts had even been moved so they didn’t line up with Geordi’s. He didn’t understand it, Data never avoided people like this, that was an emotional reaction. He had no idea what to do, he loved Data, he hadn’t spent this long without talking to Data since they met. It felt like there was something missing, he kept thinking if he just left it long enough Data would turn up at his door and they would go to Ten Forward and everything would be okay again. But it had been weeks. He was having nightmares, where Data’s voice would call from the darkness surrounding him, but it kept moving and every time he thought he was getting close it would move again. Then Datas hands would strap him to a table and Data would hiss that he never liked Geordi, that he had been so glad to finally be free of him, that Geordi was awkward and clingy and even without emotions Data found him repulsive. Geordi would wake to an empty bed, desperately calling out for Data but receiving no reply. At the three week mark he finally made an appointment with Counselor Troi.

“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what he’s thinking.” He finished telling Troi, who finally looked up from her notes.

“If I didn’t know better I would say he feels guilty. Humans, after an event like this, might struggle to reconnect, one feeling afraid or angry at the other and the other feeling like they can’t trust themselves, an overwhelming guilt and lack of self confidence. If Data were human I would say you need to make sure he knows you don’t blame him, and then give him the space to work through his feelings. However, as it is, I’m not sure what to recommend.” She paused, “I do believe you should first focus on yourself, deal with how you feel about the event, are you angry at Data?”

“No!” Geordi replied quickly. “It wasn’t his fault, you should have seen him, he was ready to destroy the emotion chip to guarantee he would never hurt me again.”

“Ok… what about fear?”

“I could never fear Data.”

“I don’t mean fearing Data himself, I mean fearing your feelings for him, his feelings for you, are you afraid of the hatred he felt when he was on the planet?”

Geordi’s stomach lurched. “It wasn’t him.”

“But it looked like him and sounded like him, before this you had never considered the possibility that if Data had emotions he would have the capability to hate you, to reject you.”

“He’s always been able to reject me.”

“Geordi, I think one of the things you found attractive about Data was the fact that he would never turn on you, even if you were to break up you would have returned to being friends because Data has never been capable of the complex emotions involved in break ups. You’ve always had a security net and for a split second it was gone.”

“That’s not- obviously I didn’t like hearing my boyfriend say he hated me but-” Geordi huffed, trying to gather his thoughts again. “I don’t just love Data because he won’t hurt me.”

“I’m not saying that. You love Data for who he is, but a part of that is this safety net that he will never hate you, cut you out of his life completely. And suddenly you are faced with that possibility.”

“I don’t-” He sighed. “What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”

Deanna smiled gently at him. “I would be willing to bet he is thinking the same thing.”

“He won’t even look at me.”

“Look Geordi, I don’t think there is any reason to think he has given up on this relationship, I think you both just need some time to process what happened on the planet.”

Geordi left his session with the counselor with instructions to ask the doctor for help sleeping and not much else, he wasn’t particularly comforted by her words and she clearly didn’t know how to explain Data’s behaviour any more than he did.

Geordi finally came across Data in Ten Forward a few days after his appointment with the counselor. He watched him walk into Ten Forward and scan the room before sitting at the bar, as if he hadn’t even seen Geordi. After almost 20 minutes of watching Data chat with the bartender and sip the drink he ordered, Geordi finally got up the courage to approach him.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked, sitting next to Data.

“Currency is not used at this establishment.”

“I know Data, it’s just a phrase, can I join you?” Even just hearing Data’s voice made Geordi’s chest tighten

“I am not sure that would be wise. Considering the circumstances.”

Geordi’s chest filled with stones. “Sure, ok I’ll leave you alone.” He managed to say before making his way out of Ten Forward, eyes locked dead ahead, but not actually seeing anything. He’d had his heart broken a thousand times before, but it had never felt like this, like he didn’t even have a heart anymore. 

Geordi was kind of glad Data had put so much effort into avoiding him now, it meant he barely had to do anything, as long as he stayed in engineering or his quarters there wasn’t even a chance he would run into Data. He started taking the sleeping medication Doctor Crusher had prescribed to him, and sometimes, when he was busy working, or just waking up, he could feel like everything was fine. So he didn’t bother going back to Counselor Troi, and he went about his days as usual. He managed this, avoiding Data, for nearly two weeks before Riker came down to engineering to inform him he was being assigned to a mission with Data.

“I know things are complicated between the two of you at the moment, but you’re the most qualified people for the job.” Riker said, his voice sympathetic.

“I understand, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, well, I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to.” With that Riker left Geordi to his work.

They were meeting to beam down to the planet at 0600 the next morning, and for the first time since he had begun taking the sleeping aids, Geordi couldn’t get to sleep. He knew Data was going to be perfectly professional, but he couldn’t stop himself from imagining every possible scenario, including both ones in which Data was cold and cruel to him, and ones where Data admitted to missing him, told him he made a mistake.

Of course, Data was perfectly polite.

“Good morning lieutenant, I have modified two tricorders to detect-”

Geordi knew what Data was telling him was important but he couldn’t help the way his chest hurt when Data used his rank rather than his name. The way his mind wandered off, replaying all the times Data made him laugh, made him happy, made him feel loved, watching Data’s mouth moving but not hearing the words. This mission was not going to be his best work.

If Data noticed his odd behaviour he didn’t say anything, they completed their tasks with little to no conversation and returned to the Enterprise. Geordi kind of wished Data had said something or done something, anything to indicate what he was feeling- or thinking -about Geordi, but he simply nodded and turned to leave.

A wave of resignation hit Geordi, an overwhelming feeling of this is it. This is all that remains of his relationship with Data, he won’t even speak to him like they’re friends, like they’re anything more than strangers who work together.

But Data paused before he reached the door, nodding at the transporter chief, who nodded in return and left.

“You have been tense.” Data said, turning back to Geordi.

“This isn’t an ideal situation.”

“No, in the future I will endeavour to avoid overlaps of our professional lives.”

Geordi gave a pained laugh. “You’re chief of operations and  second officer and I’m the chief engineer on the same starship, we’re going to have to work together.”

Data was silent for a moment. “Perhaps I will request a transfer.”

“No! No, Data, come on, we’re adults, we can work through this.”

“If you are sure.” Data paused, his expression softening. “I do not wish to infringe upon your life any more than is necessary.”

Geordi stared at him, not quite comprehending what Data was saying. “...I’m sure.”

Data nodded and left.

That was odd, definitely odd, what did Data mean infringe upon his life? Did Data think he didn’t want him around? If the counselor was right, what was the thing in Ten Forward about?

He had told himself Troi had helped him all she could and there was no point bothering her again, but he was beginning to think she might know more about Data’s functioning than he gave her credit for.

Rather than making him an appointment Troi turned up at his quarters and asked him to lunch.

“I haven’t seen you on the bridge lately.” She commented, as they walked to Ten Forward.

“I’ve been busy in engineering.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that that is where Data spends his shifts?”

“No! We don’t even have overlapping shifts anymore.”

“I know, the captain asked for my opinion on the situation before approving Data’s transfer.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“Well, at the time I hadn’t spoken to you, and Data had given the captain the impression you had - how does he put it - discontinued your relationship on mutual terms and this was his attempt to make the transition more comfortable for you. So I told him it sounded like a good idea, on a temporary basis, of course.”

“Why would he say that?”

“Well, that is the impression he seems to be under, that the wish to end your relationship was mutual.”

“You’ve spoken to him?”

“He came to see me after your encounter in Ten Forward, he wasn’t sure what to make of it.”

“What does that mean? He rejected me, plain and simple.” Geordi made his way to a table, and Troi was silent for a moment as she sat down across from him.

“I don’t believe that’s how he saw it. He is convinced you wanted to end your relationship with him, from his point of view he is doing what’s best for you.”

Geordi stared at her, searching for any sign of deception. “That would make some sense.”

“You suspected as much.”

“After we were assigned together the other day he told me he didn’t want to ‘infringe upon my life any more than was necessary’.”

“He misses you.”

Geordi shook his head. “Data isn’t capable of that emotion.”

“You don’t believe that.”

Geordi sighed. “No, I don’t. But I don’t believe he misses me either.”

Troi was silent, clearly giving him the space to elaborate. “He was so cold in Ten Forward, and he’s put so much effort into avoiding me at all costs, I can’t even imagine that he could be missing me.” He paused, “Even if I believe that he is feeling guilty about what happened on the planet, even if he’s doing this because he thinks I wanted to end it, I can’t imagine him missing me.”

“He never goes to his quarters, other than to feed Spot, he spends all his time pacing the halls or working.”

“Data doesn’t need rest.” Geordi replied quietly, his eyes were beginning to burn and a lump had formed in his throat, he had only just got used to the idea that Data didn’t want to be with him, and realising that Data was thinking the same thing, feeling guilty and lonely. He wanted to run to Data immediately, tell him that he could never stop loving him, that he would never hold what happened on the planet against him, that it wasn’t his fault. But Data was still on duty, he wouldn’t get off for another two hours.

Troi smiled at him. “No, perhaps not, but time he would usually spend with you is now time he’s spending staying busy, a human behaviour, a reaction to missing someone.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Good, would you like to play a few games of chess while you wait?”

“That sounds good.”

Troi walked with him back to his quarters a few minutes before Data’s shift ended, and he gave it five minutes before he tapped his combadge.

“Geordi to Data.”

“Yes Geordi?”

“Will you meet me in my quarters?” There was silence from Data. “Please?"

After another heart wrenching minute Data replied: “I will be there momentarily.”

Geordi sat on his couch, then stood up and moved to his table, then stood up again and got a drink from the replicator and sat back down at the table. Before moving back to the couch. After what felt like an age his door chimed and he let Data in.

“What did you wish to discuss?” Data asked, entering cautiously and sitting on the armchair across from the couch.

“Data, I… I love you, and I miss you.”

If Geordi didn’t know better he would say Data’s expression was pained.

“You cannot.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hurt you, Geordi, I am a bad boyfriend, it is only logical to conclude our relationship would have to be discontinued.”

Geordi’s chest clenched. “ You didn’t hurt me Data, you were being manipulated, it wasn’t you!”

“You did not wish to discontinue our relationship?”

“No, Data.”

Data watched him, taking in his tear filled eyes and clenched hands. “I have caused you emotional distress.”

“You felt guilty, you don’t have to apologise.”

“I do not experience emotions, I have no excuses for my actions other than misinterpretation.”

“Guilt isn’t always an entirely emotional response, sometimes it seems logical, like you’re just drawing conclusions.”

“I see.” Data was still for a moment, then he reached over and threaded his fingers through Geordi’s. “I believe I… missed you too.”

Geordi couldn’t hold it together anymore, he pulled Data over to sit next to him, kissing him gently. And for the first time in a month everything seemed okay again, Data’s arms around his waist, Data’s hair wound through his fingers. When they finally split, Geordi buried his face in Data’s neck, relief flooding through his body at the simple feeling of Data’s body against his own.

“Geordi, you are crying.”

“Yeah Data, I’ve missed you a lot.”

“I, too, have found my days rather empty without you.”

[jannepaule]

In Retrospect: Black Holes and Dark Days

I’ve been working on this for several weeks, trying to revise it to a much retrospective version. The first draft of this post was dated July 27, 2017— according to my trusty notepad app with 2500 words.

Between 2011 to 2015 were some of my darkest days and to some extent— 2017 the year I wrote the first version of this piece.

Fair Warning: Long Post Ahead.

I was in a bad place during that time but here it goes.

The “D” Word

I've read stories from real people about it. I've heard number of spoken word pieces about it. I've seen countless of articles about it in this wild wicked world of social media. I've seen people who turned it into art.

I was never clinically diagnosed so I have no the right to call my case depression. More importantly, it is something no one should casually throw around to describe whenever you are feeling down.

A lesson I learned is that people should stop using disorders as adjectives. It's unhealthy and destructive.

I am generally an ‘okay’ person but I've had my dark days.

It started after graduation when my high school boyfriend and I broke up. It's silly to admit that even now. I mean who gets depressed over a teenage break-up? People move on and get over it. I did.

However, for a long time I refused to deal with the pain. I thought having a strong facade by not admitting that it hurts and not crying is a sign of strength, it was otherwise. And it does more harm than help in the long run.

Later on I realized that maybe this reaction (or lack thereof) towards a painful experience was an accumulation of all the times I suppressed my emotions.

That's what happened when you grow up in a family that doesn't openly talk about feelings, that a more common response to hurt is anger.

Years of practice of tricking myself not to feel, I developed an automatic blocking system against anything that could potentially hurt. Every negative thought and emotion was boxed and pushed towards deepest part of my head hoping I'd never have to deal with them.

But as Sigmund Freud once said (or written),

"unexpressed emotions will never die they are buried alive and will later come in uglier ways"

And boy it was ugly. It wasn't a 2 AM kind of demon. It haunts you in broad daylight and attack you with ice bullets. If it was anxiety or panic attacks or some sort of condition, I've no idea. And it was all my fault.

Theater Days

I only figured out that something was seriously wrong with me when I joined a theater organization during my college freshman year.

Thespians are the most passionate and most emotional people I've ever known while I stand on the other side, feeling nothing. None. I was empty. There were lots of emotional exercises and scenes from plays that would’ve helped me, but I couldn’t even cry.

I was miserable.

There were days when I literally felt nothing. I laughed and I knew I was happy but I couldn't feel it in my heart. I watched very emotional movies like Miracle in Cell No. 7 and there were scenes that any normal person would be bawling already, but I didn't. My system could not process the feeling.

Detachment was a mean defense mechanism. It suppresses not just the pain but everything else. It leaves you with hollow feeling on your chest.

My Heart and Other Black Holes

There were days when I'd cry for no reason. One moment I was in pain then in one snap-- gone. I feel nothing again.

Other times, I felt like I was being drained, sucking life out of me as I spiral down uncontrollably into an unknown bottom. You know the vacuum sensation? It was terrible. I literally had to catch my breath.

I called it my "black hole episodes". There were black holes residing inside of me for a long time and I didn't know what to do with it.

An incident back when I was doing my internship in a radio station in 2014 was one of the worst episodes. I ended up crying for an hour or two at the HR's office. The HR manager who happened to be some sort of counselor asked me what was wrong and I could have told her everything, she was a shrink anyway. But I couldn't even get my mind straight so much more my feelings. The memory of that afternoon was blurry.

All I remember is her telling me to try talking to someone openly and honestly.

I knew I needed professional help but shrinks are way too expensive. And honestly, I was more scared to find out that it was just all in my head than to know what sort of medical condition I was in.

I wanted to disappear sometimes, amidst all the numbness and emptiness. It’s like being trapped in oblivion.

I wanted to disappear but I still hoped that someone would find me and pull me out of that dark place but I didn't know how to ask for help.

Flash forward to 2015

Before I started dating a guy from my first job after college, I had one major episode that worried the shit out of my him and my friends. So I told him about my blackholes and finally, I felt like someone is willing to listen. Even when I couldn't explain the things going on inside my head he just listened, patiently.

The thick walls I built around myself started crumbling down. The flood gates of my heart opened and somehow, I felt lighter each day. I started feeling genuinely happy again. That shrink from the radio station was right after all. I just needed someone to talk to.

We had a brief time together but I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. It was batshit crazy, but I felt every tiny bit of it. The blackholes are gone but so he is.

I was devastated and hurting everywhere literally and figuratively but I allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry all I want, and to mourn for as long as I needed to. I was drowning but that time I didn't feel empty. I still thought of skipping all of those excruciating times but thank God, someone a.k.a my favorite team leader sat me down ane told me this:

“You know better than anyone why you need to go through this. You are so much braver and stronger than what you give yourself credit for,”

Looking back, it was the bravest time of my life. I confronted all my fears of feeling pain. For the first time, I didn't run away from it. I nursed my wounded heart like a normal person.

I was blessed with people who were my guiding light through that journey.

I’ve moved on and no longer in love with that person, in case you’re wondering.

The Bad Bitch of a Black Hole is Back

2017 was another awful cruel year. I had a relapse after trying so hard to be okay for so long. Bad case of rejections, job being terribly toxic, and my whole life was a mess. The blackholes came back, just dressed up as adult problems. My life was falling apart AGAIN and I was lost. I couldn’t focus.

I watched my plans fail and slip away from my fingers and did nothing to stop it. 2017 was so much worse because even if I wanted to run away, I didn't have the energy and will power to do it.

I needed help. I don’t know how but I was sure as hell that I didn’t want to go back in that shithole ever again. I thought writing would help me get it out of my system, it did. I talked to some friends, subscribed to an online life coach for advice, and learned to practice mindfulness via Headspace app. I prayed so hard to make it all go away.

I honestly still couldn’t remember how I did all those things and managed to pull myself out of that dark place. My best guess? Divine intervention. Thank God and all the angels for not letting me get swallowed by darkness.

I look back and see how far I’ve come. It was a long tiring personal battle I had to brave through to be in a better place where I am today. No more blackhole episodes since 2017 and if ever the bitch decides to show up again, I know I would make it out alive like I always do. Hopefully, it wouldn’t.

Communicating my feelings is still a struggle up to this day but knowing how to acknowledge them is always the first step. Still growing and learning to cope up with all the things life is throwing at me. The process of healing is long, painful, sometimes boring and questionable but I don’t think I would ever do it otherwise.

Being able to write this in retrospect is a milestone worth-celebrating. A long dark chapter of my life was over. I am grateful.

Thank you for reaching this part, dear stranger. This is probably the only time I will ever share about this. I hope you know that this is a personal experience and does not mean to say that you need to get your heart broken to get over a dark phase in your life. We all have different ways to process experiences.

I hope you find the courage to ask for help from the people you trust and professionally, if you must.

I pray that if you’re going through dark times, may you always believe that there is a light that never goes out.

Sincerely, J. 🖤